"My youngest Child Knowledge was born February 8 2010.
Just when I thought I had this mom thing down, he came and showed me things were just getting started!
When I got pregnant with Knowledge, I was going through alot. I mean A LOT of drama. bad moves, a lot of negativity surrounding the energy at the time. There were so many life changing events that I went through within a short period of time. I didn't realize it then but I do now.
I was extremely depressed.
But I never showed that side of myself...Then I got pregnant. Pregnancy is already a hormonal emotional rollercoaster. Reflectively - I can imagine how messed up I was mentally during this time.
To add insult to injury... I was extremely physically sick in this pregnancy.
This was beyond any morning sickness I had ever experienced. I was constantly in and out of the emergency room for severe dehydration - I was physically melting away and struggling mentally to find an anchor. It was hard to navigate. In the beginning it looked bad, like 90's crack fiend bad - So bad that people (including medical staff) suggested I terminate the pregnancy. I felt like I was dying a slow death - but I can't describe the positivity that I felt that this child was supposed to be here. I knew it.
Eventually after making my face known in the ER they sent me home with IV treatments. 24/7. Hooked up for hydration.
Thing was at this time, my oldest was 5 and getting ready to start school. I also had an energetic 2 year old getting into EVERYTHING. I couldn't admit I was overwhelmed! I felt like it would make me weak. Have you met me? Im nobody's punk.
I ended up ripping the IVs out of my arm the first week my oldest went to Kindergarten. My babies needed me. I honestly felt selfish for being physically debilitated. Another thing I didn't realize about myself until years later is that I am a very high functioning person - my depression sat in the background of my mind while my body went into auto pilot. I didn't have strength or energy for anything or anyone besides my son and daughter and the sweet baby in my belly.
One thing I did do was talk to my unborn child - a lot. Constantly! I loved him already and I wanted him to know every chance I got just how much.
Fast forward to the day I actually gave birth. I went in within enough time to get an epidural. I didn't know during pushing but the umbilical cord was wrapped around Knowledge's neck. The Doctor asked me to stop pushing and he was able to slip the cord over his head - Thank God. They were able to deliver him normally without issues but I felt something being wrong without them telling me. I internalized that as well, blaming my depression instead of accepting the moment for what it was - scary and traumatic.
When I got to hold my youngest son, I cried and apologized to him for not giving the pregnancy all I felt it deserved. I didn't give him my excuses - I gave him my promise that he wasn't forgotten. I told him about his siblings and told him that he was just as special as they were. His existence and presence in my life was intentional. He was God's plan not mine and my purpose was to show him just that! I promised to show him how much he meant to all of us.
After he was born though - I went through my very own cocktail of postpartum depression. HEAVY. I also kept this to myself. I cried so much I'm surprised I didn't flood the place with PPD tears. It was hard for me to admit that for the first time I was struggling balancing life as a mom. I remember a time when I had to put him down and lock myself in the bathroom to just cry hysterically. All while my 5 and 2 year old banged the door down, my new baby cried it out.
I came out a few minutes later and I survived. We all did. I had to pull myself out of that place.
In retrospect I would tell all moms that it's ok to be overwhelmed. Its ok to feel this way! It's natural to feel this way. It's ok to be sad. Its ok to ask for help. Talk to someone. You don't have to treat yourself the way I did. Ask for what you need! If you don't tell anyone how can they help? Closed mouths don't get fed.
I wanted to end this birth story with truth and a smile. This is a celebration of my development as a mother and a celebration of the beginning of my son Knowledge story:
The morning after I came home from the hospital - I was flat broke. we had prepaid electricity (My AZ people know about that M-Power) and all the lights went out. I called to check the balance of my debit card and income tax had cleared overnight! - "
Knowledge is acquired through experience and education.
Mother of 3